I canceled dinner plans last Friday. I did not have a fever. I did not have an emergency at work. I was just completely tired. We were supposed to go to a busy Italian place downtown, and just thinking about finding parking made my stomach hurt.
The entire process of sending the text message took me forty-five minutes. I typed out five different excuses. I considered saying my car would not start. I thought about blaming a sudden headache. I felt a massive wave of guilt for simply wanting to stay inside my house.
Eventually, I just sent a message saying I was completely wiped out and needed to reschedule.
My friend replied two minutes later. She said she was relieved because she wanted to put on her pajamas anyway.
We spend so much energy feeling bad about our limits. I have this internal rule that I have to be completely incapacitated to back out of a commitment. If I can physically stand up, I feel obligated to show up. This rule has led me to sit through countless dinners and coffee dates feeling completely hollow, staring at a menu while my brain is buzzing with exhaustion.
The guilt always comes from the exact same place. It comes from the deeply held belief that my energy should be endless.
I am practicing the terrifying habit of telling the truth about my capacity. It is incredibly uncomfortable. When I say no to things, my brain immediately tells me I am being a terrible friend. It tells me people will stop inviting me to things.
I am learning to sit with that discomfort.
Last month I declined an invitation to a weekend trip. I knew the travel would exhaust me. I knew the crowded itinerary would make my anxiety spike. I said no. I felt terrible about it for three straight days. Then the weekend actually arrived. I woke up in my own bed on a Saturday morning. I drank my coffee in my quiet kitchen.
The relief was so much bigger than the guilt.
I am trying to stop apologizing for how my battery drains. Some people can go out three nights a week and feel entirely fine. I cannot. I need a lot of empty space in my calendar just to function on a basic level.
I still feel the familiar panic when I have to cancel something. I still stare at my phone screen and debate making up a fake illness. But I am getting faster at pressing send.
The people who actually care about you do not want you showing up to things running on empty. They want you there when you actually have the capacity to be present. I am slowly realizing that protecting my peace is much more important than protecting my reputation as someone who always says yes.